yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
