i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize