I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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