I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
