He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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