I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
