I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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