Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
