he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
