Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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