I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Success! We fucked roommates!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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