Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize