she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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