i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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