My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You are a genius and a whore.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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