Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
