the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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