At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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