Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
