There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
