The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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