I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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