im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
