Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
