So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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