I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
