his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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