Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
