I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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