Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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