I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
