Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
