he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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