i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
