I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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