If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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