fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
