I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize