No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
