if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
