Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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