WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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