I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I could make wine with my vomit
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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