last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
