if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
