When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
