We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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