I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm jealous of your bromance
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
