Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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