Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
