I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
