ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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