He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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