my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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