Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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