i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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