If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
