Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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