Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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