I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
