hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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