every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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